Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
