Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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