I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
