I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
