you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
