guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
false alarm. still invincible.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
