I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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