Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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