You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
