I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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