can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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