I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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