naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
