I want to walk on stilts...naked
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
