how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
