I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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