The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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