he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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