So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
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and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
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Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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