Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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