eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
