Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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