Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
