How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
