Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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