Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
