just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
