Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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