mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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