Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
