he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
