Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
