while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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