you traded sex for a burrito?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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