Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
