I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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