The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
