I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
