I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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