There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
