I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
