Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
