I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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