OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
