I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
