I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
