3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
