remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
