Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
