I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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