He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Randomize
