we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
