apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
