I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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