Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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